I'm not Dead (or look, I can totally do it when no one is looking)

Well it's been a while, hasn't it? Apologies, I've been in a funky place the last month or so. I've been finding it hard to spread myself to cover even my basic needs since I started at my new job. Oh yeah, I'm employed now. Woohoo!

Despite my sometimes negative feelings about my job, I am grateful that in these hard times I have finally found somewhere that actually wants me. Plus... I have an interview this coming Friday for a similar position (basically a lab technician role) but at a university, rather than sixth form college like my current job. I've got fingers, toes, eyes and everything else crossed that I get the university job. The pay is much better and it'll look better on my CV than working in a school environment, more industrial.

Also, I've taken my first steps towards self-sufficiency and homesteading (in a way). A week ago today I planted a few seeds (lettuce, beetroot, tomato and spring onions) in milk cartons in my kitchen window to see if I could get anything to grow. Turns out I can, sort of. Check out my lettuces and single beetroot seedling:

Beetroot

Lettuce

I think I'm going to have to thin out the lettuce soon, though I'm not exactly sure when or how so I'll be looking that up later today. Any advice is welcome.

So that's a quick update to say I'm not dead and I am in fact moving forward in life, albeit extremely slowly. Maybe that's the best I can hope for at the moment. I may fail at basic housekeeping, or doing anything beyond going to work, coming home and checking on the plants, but I am now working and I have taken the first steps to some degree of food independence. Those are exciting things to be celebrated. Those are two fewer problems than I had a month ago. For all my wallowing in depression when I am too tired to do anything much when I get home, I have achieved two very important steps and I must recognise that.

Hope you are all well and sticking to any resolutions or plans you made for yourself, even if, like me, they are taking a slightly different shape than you had intended originally.

Focusing Attention (or how on Earth am I supposed to choose between all the good causes that I could work towards?)

It is a distinct possibility that I am the most indecisive person on Earth when it comes to choosing a vocation. Possibly my biggest anxiety over choosing a career is that I’ll pick wrong and focus my energies into areas that I was not so keen to be in as others.

Despite a recent certainty that I would apply to become a paramedic, I am realising, having watched a bunch of Ted Talks over the last couple of days, that paramedicine is probably not the career for me. Granted it has all the aspects of helping people, being hands on, useful for volunteering abroad etc. that I am looking for in a career, however I can’t really say that it is the area I would like to be involved in. The whole purpose of my life, as far as I can see, is to serve others. There are so many issues that concern me greatly such as people-trafficking, particularly for sex slavery, education and inequality, discrimination, especially on the basis of gender and sexuality; healthcare and poverty and well pretty much anything that needs addressing. My ability to help, I feel, would be best focused in addressing healthcare and poverty, and those are the areas I particularly would like to work in.

Healthcare and poverty issues go hand in hand through out the world, even in developed nations such as the USA. It is such a truly global issue, the neglect or mishandling of which has such enormous ramifications for work forces, family life, education (young children being out of school to care for sick parents being just one aspect of that) and more, all of which can be viewed as social issues, vital to the quality of life of citizens and the economic development of a country.

Now, contrary to how this post started, I am not writing about my own career angst, but rather am attempting to comment on the larger issue that many people face throughout life. That of having multiple passions. I’ll admit to being a bit of a bleeding heart sometimes, but I am practical if nothing else. I realise that I cannot, as much as I might like, do everything. No one can sadly. But no matter what a person ends up doing with their life, there are always opportunities to be involved in and support the other causes that deeply important to oneself. Being the guilt-ridden liberal that I am, having watched all of the talks I have recently that cover so many topics, I look at my life and wonder what I could get rid of, or reduce, to allow me to support those making great changes in the world. I won’t use the word sacrifice, because there’s very little that I could get rid of (bar the essentials) that would actually constitute a real sacrifice for me.

In the UK, if a person owns and uses a television, they have to pay a licence fee.* Which sounds ridiculous, and I’ve often thought it strange to have to have a licence for something that isn’t a weapon or in some way dangerous (if we side step the issue of TV and sedentary lifestyles). But the licence fee pays for the BBC, which is a brilliant source of news, educational programmes as well as some for pure entertainment. I do have a television, though it is not used. Everything I could want to know or view is available online sooner or later so I’m not too fussed. Which is why, although I was planning to get a TV licence so I could be more like a ‘real’ person, I have decided to continue to not use the TV and instead put that money towards a good cause.

The point I’m trying to make is not that I’m an amazing person, because I am far from that, it’s just that there are small, easy non-sacrifices to be found in many areas of our lives. And if you have a cause that you’re passionate about, something that makes a tiny difference in your life, can easily be done to make a humongous difference in the lives of those who need it more. And just to complete the circle here, I won’t feel guilty about working in one area where people need help, because I won’t be neglecting the others. There will always be some small thing I can change to help people who need it more than I do.

*I used to find it really annoying when I was younger that Americans don’t have to pay a TV Licence, then someone pointed out their healthcare system to me and I realised we have it sweeeeet over here. Ner ner.

Putting Oneself First (or taking care of yourself before trying to take care of others)

There is a great conflict in my mind over putting my needs before those of other people (where the other people are actually in need, not just in the queue for the toilet or something). For the longest time I’ve struggled to reconcile the idea that a person needs to take care of themselves before they will be fit to take care of others. In the past I’ve tried to fight this notion, or rather truth. Consequently I agreed to be a part of organisations and take on roles that were beyond my capacity, in that I didn’t really have the energy or time to dedicate to them but blundered on forward convincing myself I would be OK giving a little more time here and there. They just wound up eating into my sorely needed down time. In the end, I was more of a hindrance to these groups than a help, but I always told myself I would definitely be OK doing these things because they were for other people and not for me.

As things currently stand, because I didn’t give myself enough time to get well and didn’t acknowledge my limitations, I graduated from university with a degree class far below what I should have obtained. Now that degree is quite a big obstacle to my ultimate dream of becoming a doctor, rather than the boost it should have been. Despite recognising that I direly need to get myself sorted out and do absolutely everything I can to overcome and (as much as is possible) control my depression, I am refusing to stop trying to move forward. In less than two weeks I will be sending off applications to various universities to study to become a paramedic. Classes wouldn’t start until September, so I’ve nine months to make some good progress with my state of mind, and I shall be talking with admissions officers to determine if I can defer a year should I not feel ready when September rolls around.

Even to me, this seems like it is probably a little mad, but I think the fail-safe of having another year to take off to get well justifies the decision. The thing is, I simply cannot stand the idea of stagnating. Of course recovering from illness is not standing still, but it is just so hard to convince myself to focus solely on that when in my day to day activities such as going to the supermarket, taking care of household stuff aren’t too badly affected. I feel like I ought to be out there making myself useful to others right now. Like I ought to be moving towards my aim of helping people in emergencies and taking care of others.

Part of why I feel the need to study and help people professionally is that I know there are so many places around the world where people need help. It irks me to know I live so comfortably while so many go without basic requirements and medical care. Sure I can donate a little money to various charities, but I so desperately want to give time and my (future) skills to those who need them. I know that unless I can get myself to a place where I can function well enough to become competent in my chosen field, I am useless to these people. This is why it is important to put oneself first. *

Yesterday I said today would be an outline of my grand master plan for 2012. Obviously this isn't it, but I felt it was necessary to talk about this first, because, considering that this is a blog** about ethics, humanity and making the world a better place, my grand master plan for the year might seem a little self-centred without context. Of course it’s entirely possible I’m just paranoid because I have this concept that my life will be without value if I am not in service to others and felt the need to justify having plans for the year that include learning to play the guitar.

*Even parents, who are their children’s life line and support, need to take some time off occasionally to recuperate. Luckily we invented babysitters.

 **Blogger's spellcheck was trying to convince me that 'blog' is not a real thing. Never have I known a website to be self-loathing. 

Does God Matter? (or would we live our lives differently knowing an undebatabely true answer?)

I typed this post up a week ago and lost it on my computer. I realised* half hour ago that it wasn't saved on my computer but to Google Docs. Duuuuuuhhhh.

*yes with an 's' - stupid Google stop trying to make me spell like an american!

God. What is He doing? Is He a He? Is He even real? What is the grand plan? Is there one? Does it matter?



...Does it matter?



I don’t think so. Not one tiny bit.



For pretty much as long as I can remember God and I have had a strange relationship. We don’t really write or call each other. Sometimes we poke each other to see what happens.



When I was really young, I think maybe five or six years old I made a really strange request of God, to test whether or not he was there. Now I know you aren’t meant to test God, but I was 5... or six... and didn’t know any better. You’re all going to laugh when you read this, and I’ve never shared it before so be kind :P



Tiny little five or six year old Brett, all tucked up in bed one night, wondered if God was real. And if he was real, did he listen? Did he grant requests? Would he listen to me? So I put my hands together, closed my eyes and prayed.



I asked God, to give me a sign that he was there and that he was involved in the world. Tiny little five or six year old Brett, all tucked up in bed, hands together praying, asked God to make it so that if he touched the colour orange, said the word orange, ate an orange, that he would need to shit.



Don’t ask me why. Of all the possible signs a person could ask for, my strange five or six year old brain asked to be tortured by the colour orange. And it worked.



For what seems like it was weeks, maybe months after that. If I touched orange, ate oranges, said the word orange, I would very shortly after need to run to the bathroom. So it seemed, God listened. I spent a long time avoiding orange in all it’s forms. Though I think after a while I prayed for God to take 
it away. And it stopped, though I was still wary of orange.



So for a while as a kid I was pretty certain God was around and paying attention and oddly indulgent of a chilld’s silly wishes. As I grew, I became extremely agnostic however, and these days I would chalk up that experience to being self-induced. I’ve spent many hours contemplating the divine. What form it might take. It’s name. How many gods there might be. Which religion might be right.

These days I would describe myself as a devout agnostic.* I want to believe very very much. Sometimes I feel there is definitely something out there watching over us, whether actively taking care or not. Other times I feel staunchly that there is nothing there and that the world is a construct of maths and science.



I am a scientist. I have a degree in biomedical sciences and I believe in evolution and the big bang. I believe the entire world can be explained mathematically. That doesn’t mean I discount the possibility of the existance of a deity, obviously, hence the whole agnostic thing. 

Whether God exists or not is not going to change my basic operating patterns. I'm going to live my life the same way either way, I'll still be a good person and do my best for all around me. If God is watching, hopefully that'll be enough to get me into heaven/nirvana/elysium.


I could spend hours writing and discussing the arguments for or against the existance of God. But why bother? What would be the point?



If God exists, then there’s a grand plan right?** And if there’s a grand plan we’re all doing exactly what we need to be doing. And if not, then who cares? Whatever the hell we decide to do is fine. To paraphrase Robin Ince in his TED: if there’s no God, we all get to decide what the point of our lives is. So we follow the grand plan and our lives are meaningful, or we do what we like to make our lives meaningful. Either way we’re all cool. Sweet.





*Don’t argue. I get to choose what I call myself.

**Which would link in nicely to my thoughts on free will vs determinism, but that's too much for this post.


Definitely want to hear what people think on this one. Let me know :)

Preparing for Spring (or collecting plastic bottles and dirt for my nefarious purposes)

A few days ago I started watching TED talks obsessively. For those not familiar, TED organises conferences around the work discussing different themes and has some amazing speakers come and talk about their work, prospects for the future, life, poetry, science, EVERYTHING! They are amazing. I'd known they existed for a couple of years but never watched any, until the other day. And now I'm hooked. It's my new morning routine. Breakfast or a cup of tea and a TED talk. It's a great way to start the day as they generally leave me feeling inspired and revved up to take on the world.

By far one of my favourite talks was given by Britta Reilly of RNDIY.org. It concerned the development of systems for growing vegetables and plants in small indoor spaces, particularly flats and studio apartments. I would absolutely recommend anyone check it out, even those of you with your own out door spaces to grow, just for the pure joy of seeing the inspirational and innovational approaches being developed as a collaboration of everyday people across the world who live in cities but want to grow their own food.

This is basically an arrangement of plastic bottles with good soil in them being used to grow things. A pump system is used to get water to flow through the soil and provide nutrients. As more people are collaborating and sharing their designs (which is what has really driven the development of this project and allowed for enhancements in energy requirements and carbon outputs etc) the systems get sleeker and better and could really make an impact.

So this is my challenge for 2012 though it starts now: collect as many plastic bottles as possible (without giving money to bottled water companies on account of they're stupid), start a small compost pile somewhere, decide what to grow, collect materials to construct the frame and build the thing!

What an exciting way to take my first steps into homesteading. If I can achieve any measure of success with this, I will be over the moon and able to integrate growing my own food with some of the plans I have for the next decade or so of my life before I have my own land.

Thoughts, comments and concerns welcomed as ever. I'm really keen to hear what people think about this. I'm sure there's some aspect I'm overlooking.

Covered in Mud (or Immediate results are the best)

Today I've been out in my parents' garden, weeding the flower beds. From such work I derive a great sense of satisfaction and accomplishment. It's nice to have instantly visible results after putting in effort. As a result my hands are stained with mud, which has worked itself around my nails. I'm hesitant to scrub it all off, because it's a nice reminder of what I've done today. However, I habitually pick at my nails, so I'll have it all out in a few minutes.

Working outside today in the fresh air and with the ground has reaffirmed my decision to pursue a life homesteading. The problems with that decision, at least for me, are that I will find it difficult to spend time doing something that only benefits myself and my family. For as long as I can remember I have had the inbuilt need to have my life be contributed to improving the world around me. Somehow I will have to find the balance between fulfilling that need, and achieving my dream of living off the land.

But that is the topic of my next post, which will be about the ethics of homesteading.

Until then.