There is a great conflict in my mind
over putting my needs before those of other people (where the other people are
actually in need, not just in the queue for the toilet or something). For the
longest time I’ve struggled to reconcile the idea that a person needs to take
care of themselves before they will be fit to take care of others. In the past
I’ve tried to fight this notion, or rather truth. Consequently I agreed to be a
part of organisations and take on roles that were beyond my capacity, in that I
didn’t really have the energy or time to dedicate to them but blundered on forward
convincing myself I would be OK giving a little more time here and there. They just wound up eating into my sorely needed down time. In the end, I was more
of a hindrance to these groups than a help, but I always told myself I would
definitely be OK doing these things because they were for other people and not
for me.
As things currently stand, because I
didn’t give myself enough time to get well and didn’t acknowledge my
limitations, I graduated from university with a degree class far below what I
should have obtained. Now that degree is quite a big obstacle to my ultimate
dream of becoming a doctor, rather than the boost it should have been. Despite
recognising that I direly need to get myself sorted out and do absolutely
everything I can to overcome and (as much as is possible) control my
depression, I am refusing to stop trying to move forward. In less than two
weeks I will be sending off applications to various universities to study to
become a paramedic. Classes wouldn’t start until September, so I’ve nine months
to make some good progress with my state of mind, and I shall be talking with
admissions officers to determine if I can defer a year should I not feel ready
when September rolls around.
Even to me, this seems like it is
probably a little mad, but I think the fail-safe of having another year to take
off to get well justifies the decision. The thing is, I simply cannot stand the
idea of stagnating. Of course recovering from illness is not standing still,
but it is just so hard to convince myself to focus solely on that when in my
day to day activities such as going to the supermarket, taking care of household
stuff aren’t too badly affected. I feel like I ought to be out there making myself
useful to others right now. Like I ought to be moving towards my aim of helping
people in emergencies and taking care of others.
Part of why I feel the need to study
and help people professionally is that I know there are so many places around
the world where people need help. It irks me to know I live so comfortably
while so many go without basic requirements and medical care. Sure I can donate
a little money to various charities, but I so desperately want to give time and
my (future) skills to those who need them. I know that unless I can get myself
to a place where I can function well enough to become competent in my chosen
field, I am useless to these people. This is why it is important to put oneself
first. *
Yesterday I said today would be an
outline of my grand master plan for 2012. Obviously this isn't it, but I felt
it was necessary to talk about this first, because, considering that this is a
blog** about ethics, humanity and making the world a better place, my grand
master plan for the year might seem a little self-centred without context. Of
course it’s entirely possible I’m just paranoid because I have this concept
that my life will be without value if I am not in service to others and felt
the need to justify having plans for the year that include learning to play the
guitar.
*Even parents, who are their children’s
life line and support, need to take some time off occasionally to recuperate.
Luckily we invented babysitters.
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